Big Decion, or lack of giving a ….?


Kids.  Everyone is having them. Heck, some people are so unfazed by the thought of kids they will blissfully seek out coatis (yes, I went there) without a second thought of the consequences.  There are people who try for years because they want their lives to revolve around kids, families, and passing on their genes, traditions and their mannerisms.  There are some who assume that once they get married, they are to have kids.

Then why I am the only one who is terrified at the thought of the life sucking, time consuming, burping, pissing, shitting little wonders that I know I will love but am so consumed by the thought of what could go wrong that I cannot be happy about the thought?

Oh I have looked around to different sites, or blogs, other peoples thoughts, and it made me laugh some of the time where I read bout how others are so blissfully happy to actually be pregnant, then it hits them “I’m almost done my pregnancy! Then Ill have an infant… oh crap!”…. its not the pregnancy that scares me, hell if I could just experience that and forget it I would! But its the thought of bringing another person, or two, into this world, that scares the hell out of me.  It surprises me that people forget that sex multiplies… and sometimes I feel idiotic that I am the only person around me that seems to understand this.  I know of four girls who have gotten pregnant on the birth control I am on…. they blame the BC.  I look at them and their habits, they were too busy having fun to actually take their pill responsibly with their spouse… or they weren’t and want to have an escape goat. Gah… there I go again… people wanting so badly to reproduce they will use any excuse or mishap!….

Am I the only one!? Yes, I am married, and yes we have talked about children and what our thoughts are, I do wish for a family, and I am hoping that once we get to the point, or the birth, that I will be much more comforted, I am still shocked at how a lot of people around me, are too much absorbed in self satisfaction to take a moment and think about the actual motions they are putting into place. Its going to take a lot of time, space, love, hope and sacrifice.  Children are not to be taken lightly. 

Disclaimer: Lol not sure if I am looking for advice, a good comment back, a friend in common, a sharp smack of reality, or just a moment to freak out…




Why am I arguing with myself?

Note, this is a bit of a rant about how the mind revolves around stupid insolvable problems such as stupid people and stupid choices… if you wish not to read this, carry on! I will have a better read next time 🙂

I find that on the slow days, where there isn’t much to do except monotonous work that my head will wander with thoughts of almost anything, like knitting, books, life goals, music, but occasionally my head gets stuck into problem solving mode.  This can be great! Except when its trying to solve stupid people.  Its usually the same person for about two years, and all I can think of is how they live, what they have done, and to try and figure out why they did the things they have done.  I wont get into it, as it could end up being a very long rant, but needless to say, some people I let into my life confuse the hell out of me!

This latest one is slowly going away, but things make it reappear.  This person is a mother who ended up in this situation after a long list of bad choices, and it keeps coming back to my head as talk of starting a family myself is a current issue. So what do I end up doing? Comparing myself with her, her actions, what she has done, having arguments in my head about how to correct her obvious mistakes, and how to make her a better person.  Is this what my purpose in life is? Will this person listen to me? NO! Bloody f*ing N O! So in the end I am stuck wondering how the hell my head is stuck revolving around this person and their choices of actions in life…

I guess it ends up coming down to, how to clear my head, when you are stuck in doing nothing to entertain yourself or keep your head busy and out of the stupid holes in your thoughts!!!

I wish to forgive this person, and all the countless ones before her, even as so much as they believe they have made good choices and are not wrong, inproper, or lacking sense or rational thought. I wish to move on and not think of them but my head keeps revolving around them! Something come along and interrupt this thought train I am on with something entertaining and amusing!!!